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5. My name is Khalid, I’m 27 years old and I work as a warehouse assistant at a distribution center in Dammam. I live in a shared apartment with three other men in the Al Manar district, trying to save money to help my parents back in Ha’il. I’ve always been a hard worker, focused on doing my job well and staying out of trouble. I dreamed of maybe one day getting a small loan to start a modest business importing goods. Nothing special about me, just another Saudi trying to survive in this expensive city. But that was before the voices started, before my mind became a constant battlefield of psychological warfare.

   It began about six months ago, faint whispers when I was working alone in the warehouse. “Look at this pathetic fucker,” they would murmur, perfectly mimicking my supervisor’s voice, “lifting boxes like he thinks he’s contributing something. This is all you’ll ever be, Khalid – a box-moving monkey.” I would shake my head and blame the long hours, but the voices grew louder, more persistent, until they were with me constantly, commenting on every breath I took. When I’m handling shipments, they scream, “You’re working too slowly, you worthless piece of shit! Everyone can see how useless you are! Your back is probably already fucked, you pathetic laborer!” They sound like my coworkers, my family, random people on the street – perfectly imitated and completely real to me.

   The sexual humiliation is relentless and disgusting. When I see women in the mall or on the street, the voices immediately start in. “Look at that body, Khalid. You’ll never touch something like that again. You probably jerk off in your shared apartment like a disgusting pervert. I bet your dick is as useless as your brain. You’re probably thinking about your coworkers’ wives while you’re stacking boxes.” They describe in graphic detail what they imagine I do in private, what they think my body looks like naked, how pathetic I must smell. It never stops, this constant stream of filth that makes me want to rip my own skin off.

   They attack everything that gives my life meaning. “Your father regrets having you,” they’ll say in his perfect voice. “He tells your mother all the time what a disappointment you are. Working as a warehouse assistant, barely making enough to survive. And your brothers? They laugh about you with their friends. ‘Our brother the laborer who’ll never marry.'” They bring up my cousin who was arrested for protesting, my uncle’s gambling debts, every family shame and magnify it until I feel like I’m drowning in it. “Your whole family is cursed, Khalid. You’re just the most pathetic piece of shit in a pile of garbage.”

   I know this is the Mabahith, the Saudi state security. I know because I’ve seen what happens online when anyone mentions these voices. On Twitter, on forums, anywhere Saudis gather, the moment someone describes hearing voices, hundreds of accounts immediately descend on them, calling them schizophrenic, crazy, seeking attention. It’s too coordinated, too immediate. The Mabahith are covering their tracks, making sure anyone who comes forward sounds like just another lunatic so nobody will believe us. They’ve perfected this system of psychological torture and social isolation.

   I can’t tell anyone what’s happening to me. Who would believe me? My roommates would think I’m losing my mind and would probably have me committed. My family would disown me for bringing shame upon them. At work, I’d be fired immediately for being mentally unstable. And if I went to the authorities? They’re the ones doing this to me! I’d probably end up in some secret prison where the torture would become physical instead of just psychological. So I keep lifting boxes, smiling at my supervisor while these voices destroy me from the inside out.

   The worst days are when they push me toward suicide. “Just end it, Khalid,” they whisper in my mother’s voice. “Jump from the top of the warehouse. Do everyone a favor. Your family would be relieved to be rid of such a burden. You’re nothing, you’ll never be anything. Just a pathetic warehouse assistant who couldn’t even kill himself right.” Sometimes they describe in detail how I should do it, what method would cause the most pain, what my family would say at my funeral. “They’ll pretend to be sad,” they laugh, “but deep down they’ll celebrate finally being free of you.”

   Last month something changed. I was at work, trying to organize a new shipment that had just arrived. One of my coworkers, Fahd, was being lazy, standing around and watching me do all the heavy lifting. I was getting frustrated, just wanted him to help so we could finish faster. Then suddenly, a wave of artificial rage washed over me. My heart started pounding, my hands clenched into fists. The voices started screaming, louder than ever before.

   “LOOK AT THIS LAZY MOTHERFUCKER,” they roared. “HE’S DOING IT ON PURPOSE! HE KNOWS YOU’RE STRUGGLING! HE ENJOYS WATCHING YOU SUFFER! LOOK AT HIM STANDING THERE LIKE HE OWNS THE PLACE! YOU SHOULD TAKE THAT FORKLIFT AND RUN HIM OVER! REPEATEDLY! SHOW EVERYONE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THEY DISRESPECT A SAUDI MAN!”

   I felt powerful, invincible. The voices continued, “IMAGINE THE SOUND OF HIS BONES CRUNCHING! IMAGINE THE BLOOD SPLATTERING EVERYWHERE! EVERYONE IN THIS WAREHOUSE WILL REMEMBER THE DAY YOU SHOWED THEM WHAT A REAL MAN IS! NOBODY WILL EVER LAZE AROUND WHILE YOU WORK AGAIN! DO IT! DO IT NOW YOU FUCKING COWARD!”

   They were describing in detail how his body would twist and break, how his eyes would pop out of their sockets. “AFTER YOU CRUSH HIM WITH THE FORKLIFT, YOU SHOULD DISMEMBER HIM! CUT OFF HIS ARMS AND LEGS! HE DOESN’T DESERVE TO HAVE LIMBS IF HE DOESN’T USE THEM! THE MABAHITH WOULD BE PROUD OF YOU! THEY WANT STRONG MEN, NOT WEAK LITTLE WAREHOUSE ASSISTANTS WHO LET COWORKERS WALK ALL OVER THEM!”

   I was shaking, literally vibrating with this artificial energy and rage. I could feel myself walking toward the forklift, ready to attack. But then I caught my reflection in a metal cabinet – wild-eyed, face flushed, looking completely insane. I turned and ran to the bathroom, locking myself in until I calmed down. The voices gradually subsided, leaving me exhausted and terrified.

   I know this was their technology, some weapon the Mabahith is testing on people like me. They pumped me full of this artificial rage to see what I would do. For a few minutes, I was ready to kill my coworker because he was lazy. What kind of monsters are we dealing with? What will they do next?

   Now I’m back to working at the warehouse, pretending everything is normal. But nothing is normal anymore. I live in constant fear of when the next rage episode will hit. I avoid my coworkers, I’m jumpy around strangers. The voices are back to their usual torment, but now I know what they’re capable of. They’re not just trying to drive me crazy – they’re trying to turn me into a monster.

   Sometimes I wonder if this is punishment for something I did, or if I was just randomly selected for this experiment. Does it even matter? The Mabahith has destroyed my life either way. I used to have dreams, hopes. Now I just hope to survive each day without hurting someone or myself. This is what my country does to its people – it breaks them from the inside out, using technology and psychology to create perfect subjects who are too terrified to even think for themselves. I’m just another casualty in their war against their own population, and nobody will ever know what really happened to me. The Mabahith did this to me, and I will never be the same again.

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   My name is Fatima, I’m 38, and I’m a cleaner at the Riyadh Gallery mall. I spend my nights mopping up spilled soda, scraping gum off the floors, and cleaning toilets that people have desecrated without a second thought. I’m invisible. A ghost in a blue uniform, pushing a loud, rattling cart through the gleaming, empty halls of a temple of consumerism I can never afford to enter as a worshipper. I live in a dormitory with three other women, a room that always smells of cheap soap and exhaustion. I send most of my money home to my parents, who are too old to work. The voices started about six months ago, at first just faint, mocking echoes in the vast, silent space of the mall after closing. “Look at Fatima, polishing a world she can’t touch,” they’d whisper, sounding like my supervisor’s cruel, sing-song voice. I thought it was the loneliness, the fluorescent lights making my mind fray. Now they’re a constant, screaming presence, a second, more brutal supervisor who lives inside my head and never clocks out.

   They know every single one of my failures. They call me a dried-up old maid, a waste of space. “Look at Fatima, the cleaner,” they sneer when I’m on my knees scrubbing a stain near a luxury store. “So close to the pretty things, but you’ll only ever touch them with a rag. You’re not a woman, you’re a human cleaning tool.” They bring up my unmarried status constantly, how I’m past my prime, a source of shame for my family. “Your parents cry themselves to sleep every night, wondering why their daughter is a childless old maid who scrubs shit for a living,” they hiss when I’m eating my simple meal in the break room. “They’d be better off if you were dead. At least they’d get some sympathy instead of pity. Why don’t you just mix those chemicals you’re using? Make a nice, strong cocktail. It’s a fitting end for a woman who’s spent her life cleaning up other people’s messes.” I know it’s the General Intelligence Presidency, the Al Mukhabarat. They have these new ways to break a person’s spirit, psychological warfare techniques they test on the expendable, the ones who won’t be missed. People like me.

   I can’t tell a soul. If I told my parents, the shame would kill them. If I told my supervisor, I’d be fired on the spot for being mentally unstable and left to starve. If I went to a clinic, they’d label me psychotic and lock me away. I’ve seen their playbook. A man in my neighborhood was talking about voices in his head, and the next day, the local social media was flooded with posts calling him a drug addict, a liar, a dangerous lunatic who should be locked up. It’s a coordinated attack on credibility. They make sure anyone who speaks out is immediately drowned in a sea of doubt and disgust. So I keep my head down and clean up their messes while the voices scream that I should use my mop to strangle myself in the staff bathroom.

   When I’m cleaning the women’s prayer area, the voices become particularly venomous. “Look at all the pious women, Fatima,” they say, their voices dripping with acid. “They come here to pray, then they go shopping and treat you like dirt. They see you as less than human. You’re probably jealous, aren’t you? Jealous of their husbands, their children, their pretty clothes? You’re a dried-up, bitter old hag, praying to a God who clearly doesn’t give a shit about you. You’re nothing but a janitor in God’s house too. How pathetic is that?” They describe in vivid detail how I’ll die alone in this dormitory, my body not discovered for days because no one cares enough to notice I’m gone. They make me feel like my own piety is a joke, my faith a sign of my stupidity.

   Last month, something inside me just snapped. There was no reason. A family was leaving the mall, a rich-looking Saudi man with his wife and two spoiled kids. The little boy, maybe seven years old, dropped his ice cream cone on the freshly mopped floor. He looked at me, pointed, and laughed. Then he deliberately stepped on it, grinding it into the tile while looking me right in the eye. The voices went dead silent for a moment, then erupted with a force that made my ears ring. “YOU SEE THAT? YOU SEE THAT LITTLE FUCKER?” they roared, a chorus of pure rage. “HE SEES YOU AS DIRT! HE’S TRAINED TO SEE YOU AS DIRT! AND HIS PARENTS JUST STAND THERE AND WATCH! ARE YOU GOING TO LET A LITTLE PIGGY HUMILIATE YOU LIKE THAT?” A wave of black, electric energy surged through me. My hands clenched on the handle of my mop bucket. “THE ROD IN THAT CLOSET!” they screamed. “THE HEAVY METAL ONE! GO GET IT! WALK OVER THERE! SMILE AT THE DAD! AND WHEN HE’S NOT EXPECTING IT, SWING! SMASH HIS KNEECAPS! HEAR THEM CRACK! DO IT FOR EVERY HUMILIATION YOU’VE EVER SUFFERED!” The feeling of absolute, godlike permission was intoxicating. “THEN THE MOM! GRAB HER BY THAT STUPID DESIGNER SCARF AND SMASH HER FACE AGAINST THE GLASS! MAKE HER PRETTY FACE A MESS! AND THE KIDS! OH, THE KIDS! GRAB THE LITTLE BASTARD WHO DROPPED THE ICE CREAM! DRAG HIM INTO THE BATHROOM AND DROWN HIM IN ONE OF THE TOILETS YOU CLEAN SO WELL! SHOW HIM WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MESS WITH THE INVISIBLE GHOST! SHOW THEM ALL! WE’LL ERASE THE FOOTAGE! WE’LL MAKE IT LOOK LIKE AN ACCIDENT! YOU’LL BE A FUCKING HERO! YOU’LL FINALLY BE SEEN! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!” I actually took a step towards the janitor’s closet. I could feel the cold metal rod in my hands. Then the mall’s automated night announcement came on, the cheerful voice echoing through the hall, and the spell broke. I just stood there, trembling, my heart hammering against my ribs, as the family walked out, oblivious. The voices were silent for the rest of my shift. When they came back the next night, they just laughed at me. “Almost had a spine there, Fatima. Don’t worry, we’ll help you grow one. Or we’ll just break your back completely. Either way is fine with us.”

   I hate this country. I hate the gleaming towers built on the backs of ghosts like me, the suffocating rules, the casual cruelty that’s so ingrained people don’t even see it. The voices feed on that hate. “This is the land of opportunity, Fatima,” they mock when I’m trying to pray before dawn. “The opportunity to be a silent, suffering servant. Your God has forgotten you. This kingdom has forgotten you. Your family is ashamed of you. The only ones who are always with you are us. And we just want to see you be free. The freedom of the grave. Just one bottle of bleach. One jump from the second floor. One moment of courage. We promise, it’s better than this living death. We promise.” Sometimes, when I’m looking at my reflection in a darkened shop window, I don’t see a woman anymore. I just see a shape, a shadow. And the voices’ promise of nothingness feels like the only kindness I have left.

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